I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING

It’s been a long while since I posted on here so I figured I make an honest blog post for once. As humans we go through life doing what we think what we should be doing in order to fit into the normal motions of society.

Whether it’s working from 9 to 5, to pay bills to buy things we don’t need and over indulging. Why do we work or look for jobs that we hate and then do nothing to feed our soul or creativity.

Society expects us to be normal in order for us to be normal. Some of us are empty even when we are working five days a week and coming home feeling like shit and taking it out on people who don’t deserve it.

I’m 31 years old and not where I want to be in life, but at the same time I may be more ahead than I think. I’m about to contradict myself so bare with me. By now I’m supposed to be married, have a successful career, and be out on my own.

Or is it what I really want? I do want my own family but not because society says so it’s because that’s what’s in my heart. But I DON’T want a 9 to 5 job. I don’t want to be miserable. My dream is to be a writer and traveler. I know it won’t come easy I may have to work in a job that I don’t like. Right now I don’t know what I’m doing and that’s okay. That’s what life is about finding out what the hell you want and going for it.

A good friend of mine told me that if I want something bad enough you have to do things along the way, but feed your soul for balance. Life is a journey. I’m going to push myself to blog more and write to express myself and to inspire others. Happiness is a journey too we can’t blame others for our own pain. We have to forgive and release.

Nora Ephron Doc

Writers come in different forms and styles. Nora Ephron definitely did it all when it came to writing. She wrote plays, books, and screenplays. Before she did those things she became a journalist for Esquire. I recently watched a documentary about her on HBO. According to those her knew her she took charge on everything she did.

My dream is to become a great writer and be well known. I know I can no longer be fearful of how long this process takes.  The Nora Ephron documentary is fantastic. They profile some of her movies, books, plays, articles, and essays.

The way people spoke about her was very honest, and didn’t sugar coat it at all. She had a determination to create she didn’t allow others to step over her. My goal is to become a well known author. Possibly an essayist, and explain interesting topics that interests me, but to stay within the times as well.

I’m getting off topic here, the Nora Ephron documentary was done by her son Jacob Bernstein. He interviewed her closest friends and family of course and they explain her work and her zest for life and control. I give the documentary 4/5 stars for content, and candor that was expressed. Highly recommended it and I guarantee you will smile, cry, and feel inspired. It is on HBO.

 

 

BACK AT IT

Last week I completed the hours for the internship! It is a major accomplishment. There are two classes left to take which will be in May. I am allowing myself to blog and find some home based jobs to look for and do during my time off. Hopefully I can find a better job than my previous one. I am specifically looking for non-phone positions that will allow me just to do transcripts and hoping that the cost to join isn’t too pricey. I have decided to try to get back out there and date.

There aren’t any new men in my life but I am open to that area in my life. I need balance next week I will be hanging out with my friends. Now that I have worked hard it’s time to play hard too. Writing, connecting with friends, and overcoming my social anxiety.

My health has been improving still have the fatigue, but not as bad when I was extremely busy and had a hectic schedule. Four days a week from 8 to 4, it doesn’t sound bad, but with a chronic illness it can seem like the longest four days of your life.

Now that I have time I will do my best to add more content to this site and make it more interactive. My goal is to be a paid blogger and write stories about myself and others.

NLD AND ME

So my internship is going by quickly and I’m counting down the days until March 16th arrives. NLD stands for Non Verbal learning disorder. It affects every thing I do in life, and looking from the outside in it seems like I have an annoying and off putting personality when I don’t mean to be. Here are the symptoms that I deal with, and then I will discuss  on how it can be emotionally draining and can sometimes mess up an entire day.

 

  • Great vocabulary and verbal expression
  • Excellent memory skills
  • Attention to detail, but misses the big picture
  • Trouble understanding reading
  • Difficulty with math, especially word problems
  • Poor abstract reasoning
  • Physically awkward; poor coordination
  • Messy and laborious handwriting
  • Concrete thinking; taking things very literally
  • Trouble with nonverbal communication, like body language, facial expression and tone of voice
  • Poor social skills; difficulty making and keeping friends
  • Fear of new situations
  • Trouble adjusting to changes
  • May be very naïve and lack common sense
  • Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem
  • May withdraw, becoming agoraphobic (abnormal fear of open spaces

 

NVLD (Non verbal learning disorder) Also effects organization, and visual spatial issues. SO! Here we go. My life has been filled with absent mindedness and challenges. It’s still very difficult for me to separate my personality and this invisible learning disorder. I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts. But something inside me wants to keep going no matter how down and out I feel.

But I am blessed to have family and friends who love and want to see me succeed.  I have been also dealing with a major health challenge in which I was diagnosed with last year. It’s called PSC it causes issues with skin, bile ducts, and the liver. It also causes chronic fatigue which can affect my function through out the day. So since August of last year I have been interning in early childhood at a day care center.

Lately my learning disorder has been flaring up manly when I’m timid and anxious. I can move too slow and seem like I’m withdrawn. It hurts to sometimes not have control especially when I know people are constantly talking about me behind my back. I try to do everything that’s asked of me.

I also try to be a team player and help get things done. One incident that happened recently. I cut someone off during conversation while they were giving me instructions. I know I have to apologize for that.  I sometimes say things without thinking and it causes problems. I am late bloomer to a T and still learning the ways of the world.

It doesn’t help a damn bit, that the NLD causes me to lack common sense and it never fails to put myself in an embarrassing situation.  I need to find ways to learn common sense so I can stop setting myself up.

NLD and my anxiety, plus my health challenge has me wanting to avoid life in general because I get so closed up and shut down when I get even the slightest judgement. It goes all the way back to grade school up until high school of being bullied.

But now I know it’s up to me to heal from the past and find out who I am despite my learning disabilities. YES it’s fucking painful to deal with no doubt! But I still feel like my story will be used to bless and inspire others. My goals are to have a better grip on mastering common sense, listening and thinking before speaking, and building confidence.

 

LESSONS LEARNED IN 2015

The New Year can bring new beginnings, and it can be a great thing. However, it can bring lots of challenges and revelations. This is what I have gone through within a year’s time. It was the beginning of 2015! I found out I made an A’s in my classes including the math course. It was learning support, and it was something I was struggling with for years and years. I was dealing with health challenges, and had to get several procedures done.  So, in the beginning of January 2015 I was diagnosed with a rare illness called PSC. (Primary sclerosing cholangitis )  There is no cure and of course I was devastated. I was just beginning my internship around the time I was diagnosed and trying to get used to the symptoms. So I had to take time off and get several procedures done. Looking back at it now it was so difficult and unreal it was like one more challenge to hold me back.  My mother and sister were huge supporters during the time of my rough diagnosis.    Flash forward to the fall of 2015, I started my internship it was a challenge, the fatigue is still an issue.  During the internship, I got a lot of grief because of the amount of days I missed. Got talked about a lot, and I know now that not everyone cares about your feelings. As a late bloomer, and introvert, that did hurt me, but I realize that I have to be an adult. Things were starting to turn around when I worked hard, until I compromised my health to impress them. I ended up leaving in an ambulance I work, and missed a week. Came back I got mixed reactions. What I realized is that people can be ignorant to things that they don’t understand.   Here are the lessons I’ve learned over the course of this year:

  • NEVER EVER COMPRISE MY WELL BEING FOR ANYONE
  • DON’T BE HARD ON MYSELF WHEN I’M NOT FEELING MY BEST (TOMORROW’S ANOTHER DAY)
  • EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT PATH
  • THE ONLY PERSON THAT I SHOULD IMPRESS IS MYSELF
  • ALWAYS BE POSITIVE DON’T RELY ON OTHERS FOR HAPPINESS
  • FOLLOW YOUR DREAM NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES
  • DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY
  • WORK ON COMMUNICATION SKILLS (PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE)

 

This is what I have learned, and as 2015 comes into a close I have no resolutions. Why? You never know what new challenges will come into your life. I have no regrets, and I have learned a lot about myself. I still need to work on validating myself and not looking externally because it takes too much energy to care about what others think about me. Life is about learning and fixing things that aren’t working. Here’s to 2016, more lessons, better understanding, and finding balance.  Here are some photos of my favorite things I did this year.

dragon con

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Life will always have the good and the bad, but in the end it’s about how you handle them.

Self-care

Things have been a roller coaster over the past few months. Luckily my health has been getting better since I took the time off. I’ve been sending out e-mails and making phone calls to get things straight.

The health challenge seems to get worse when I’m hyper focused and very active, and it slows down when I slow down. So during this time off I need to learn how to develop a balanced life style. Everything from eating more fruits and veggies, and getting more exercise. Staying on a better sleep schedule is vital as well.

Exercise has never been my forte, and I’ve never been good at being consistent with it.  The chronic fatigue can make it a little difficult to be fully active like I want to be. However, I need to at least try to start that up again. 😉

Self-care is extremely important during this time period. When I started the internship, I jumped in head first. It was going good until the middle of the semester. I wasn’t getting much sleep, kept getting stressed and anxious, worried about external validation, and none of that was good. I need to work on   communication skills, and  solving problems head on.

This time I need to be prepared and ready to come in strong and balanced! Being able to self-validate  will be necessary so I can thrive.  Anyone  that’s dealing with a health challenge or any type of crisis in life, stay optimistic and make sure to surround yourself with positive people. Be well everyone! ❤

 

 

IS IT TIME?

Things have been going okay for the most part and sometimes I feel like I am going through the motions to get through the week. PSC is a horrid illness that can’t be seen outwardly. It causes me to be very exhausted but now I’m finding balance so I can live a normal life-like everyone else. But depression is something I’ve been battling since I was 10.

But lately I’ve been asking myself what is normal even mean anymore? My whole life I just wanted to be validated and accepted from others. I am in 30’s and nowhere near where I want to be.

Depression is something that has been exhausting me for years and years. It’s not easy to overcome. Depression can hurt those around you, but it’s not intentional. I know life has to happen.

Lately I’ve been wanting to date, and I ask myself is it time? Should I put myself out there and risk getting hurt again. Should I unconsciously bring up past issues into a  current friendship? My intuition is not as strong as it used to be. My health has been on a roller coaster.

If someone does come along I want to be emotionally available but me having a big heart I will be open to friendship and not force anything. If that makes any sense. The mind is a powerful thing. Depression feels like you’re in a bottomless pit and your world view can be blurry.

Sometimes I wonder how can someone be optimistic all of the time!? I tried that myself it is exhausting. But life can be adventurous right?  So I’m determined to make the best of it and continue to work on myself.