Finding My Path with a lighter Heart

Growing is something that is uncomfortable but necessary. I’m doing the best that I can do step outside my comfort zone in order to have a fuller life.  For years I have always wanted to do things on my own timeline. I didn’t graduate from high school until I was in my mid twenties. I finished my Associate’s Degree program at 32, life happens. Frustrations and hardships occurred but that didn’t stop me from accomplishing my goals.

My path in life has been an interesting one, and I consider myself non-traditional. Meaning I never had things come as quick and easy as those around me. I have to be okay with that. Accepting where I am is key, and I’m responsible for my own happiness.

Sometimes I get so disappointed and frustrated I  compare myself to others who are working and have a full life. But family and friends always remind me that maybe I’m not meant to fit in. Most of my life no matter how hard I try to do so, I walk to my own beat.

Writing is a passion of mine and becoming a best-selling author is a dream of mine. I have started the process of looking at writing schools to perfect my craft. I have collections of books and journals in my room. For me writing helps me release and let go of emotions I’ve been withholding for a while. More importantly I want to write to spark creativity and inspiration in others.

My parents always taught me to work hard, but to do things with a light heart. From experience it makes things easier and I have to catch myself whenever I get mad at petty things. I’m not sure what my career path is going to be in life. I do know I want to be happy,  be able to give back, and maintain stability in all the areas of life.

The Push-back

Things have been getting better in terms of my life doing more. There’s always the thought of not doing enough. I don’t work yet and I’ve been conditioned to think that that is laziness. I’ve been putting out job applications every week for a year. Going to a job fair next week. Dealing with a liver condition is rough sometimes and it makes me feel emotional lazy. But I know that feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help much at all.

Comparing myself to others isn’t going to help either. So I’ll do what I can and not working is killing me because it makes me feel like lazy and not doing enough. Comparison is a dangerous addiction I have. It’s like I look at everyone around me and they are doing a lot. I want to do more without the anxiety getting in the way.

It’s like I want a job and make a living and a life. Independence in every sense of this word is what I crave.  I am the poster child of late blooming but I pushed back again and again. I’m starting to think that all of the challenges I’ve been through are made to inspire others.

Wanting more and getting out of my own way is my long term goal. Knowing not to be hard on myself is also imperative. Even though some of my ducks aren’t all in a row being emotionally fulfilled on my own is what’s important.  I want to be rich in spirit and rich in money.

Focus and Balance

FOCUS

 Things are starting to get back in alignment. Although to be honest with myself I still think about him a lot and wonder what he’s doing. But one of the things I am trying to get myself to understand is I have to stop wondering and checking on him because he doesn’t wonder or care about me any more.  The real question is why even give those thoughts the time and energy. On a lighter note I have been looking for jobs and trying to get out a lot more.

Finally have job prospects opening up. I  got an email yesterday saying I’m qualified for a possible interview. Next Friday I have a job fair that I’m going to so I’m going make sure I have my resume and cover letter looking top notch.

My main focus is becoming more stable, and financially independent. I want to focus on my blessings more and not the current unknown. It’s a long process to endure because I’m addicted to saying what my problems are and they keep happening. Life is really an echo so I’m a strong believer of what you put out you get back.

Balance 

 

I am planning my graduation festivities! I walk the stage on June 3rd so that’s exiting. Learning to live in the moment and take it all in. I worked really hard and did not give up. There were days where I felt like I was going to because of frustration and life changes.

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I am too serious in a lot of ways an old soul and for that matter too old. I do like to be at home a lot but I’m trying to get out more not enough but it’s a lot more than usual if that makes sense. One of my goals is to get out of my timidness and be more aware when I’m out. My anxiety can get the best of me but the biggest accomplishment was when I went to a stand up show in February by myself and saw a comedian I really like. It was on Valentine’s Day weekend definitely and defining moment.

Last weekend was monumental as well. Hung out with friends which is something I rarely do. I need to do more of that and not be so closed off as I’m learning the more closed off I am the more people start to think I don’t care. That’s hardly the case.

I keep to myself and it can be a good thing and a bad thing. It can be a good thing because I’m teaching myself how to enjoy my own company. It’s a bad thing because isolation can be unhealthy. However having a strong emotional support system is a blessing.

 

 

 

 

Standing The Test of Time

So it’s been two and a half months since the break-up. So I’m not ready to take the road test quite yet. I had a lesson last week didn’t do well. Probably over the course of a few more months I need to brush up on it. Recently I went to a health fair at a church on Sunday and a guy gave me his number. Decided not to call because it’s too soon, plus it’s going to be the same tired mess, but nice to know I still got it.

This time to myself is to figure myself out and find out what I really want. Plus I’m in no place to date at all. No job, no license, and no balance. That’s totally out of the question getting to a place of peace is not easy.

He’s allowed to be happy without me and only I am responsible for my happiness. Life is filled with many lessons and I’m still learning how to handle minor road blocks without having a tantrum. I’m a grown woman and shouldn’t be reacting that way.

Being mad and angry is a waste of energy, too much of that in the world already. Still forgiving myself and being a little lighter on myself. No one is perfect all we can do is hope for the best.

It’s time to find out why my relationships fail and the best one I can work on is the one I have myself and those who care about me the most. Wishing everyone peace and happiness.

 

Non-Verbal learning Disorder and Dating

Well I managed to sabotage another relationship. Having NVLD is a rough wave to ride. Especially dating in 2016. When I got mad I made a stupid mistake, and posted about it on social media that was the tip of the ice berg. Forgiving myself day by day.

What I have learned is that for a woman like me who has this severe learning disorder is to take things slow. I can sometimes be impulsive. All I can do is correct my pattern and change the error of my ways. At 32 I still don’t know what I want or what the hell I’m doing.

Some positives are I’m finally taking the driving lessons, and moving forward with my independence even it means doing it alone. Life is a journey and it’s filled with lesson after lesson. I am ambitious and I keep going until I make an accomplishment.

I’ve dealt with so many emotional hardships and challenges that I can’t even accept the good that I have which is a serious problem. Non-verbal learning disorder is too much to  explain. But for me my weakest point is communicating clearly and I’m very scattered brained, and have a hard time seeing the big picture.

As I explained in a previous blog I was diagnosed at 28 so my decision now is to just be myself and not date. This person I felt like was good and true and everything I was looking for. I can’t feel that way again.

For now I need to grow into my adulthood, get my license, find a job, and try to stay afloat for as long as I can stand.

 

 

Not Giving up on Me

In life there are many challenges. Depression is a battle that I know well and it’s not easy.    I’m looking at this time and space  as a gift to fully embrace change, and learn to love every part of myself even the bad parts.Healing and self-love is a journey.

Life is a long exam, and there’s no pass or fail, I feel like it’s all about how you surf through the waves of events. Writing as always been something I love and now that I’m out of the funk it’s time to be free and raw. Maybe I’ll even help someone along the way.

Late blooming is my specialty and that’s okay. I know I’m a lot to handle and that may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But that’s life!  I also need to be find the balance of letting loose and being more down to earth.

I express myself better through writing and verbally expressing myself doesn’t come easy. It’s a constant work in progress. The fog of depression has returned but I am the only one who can manage it.

I want a full happy life. I want my driver’s license, I want to find a job where I can go to and be fulfilled. I want to release the fear of being myself around others. I want for once to pay attention to my intuition and not dismiss it and be blinded. I just have to trust that things will work out. As long as I have family, and good friends I’m still rich.

 

Deceleration of Independence

Life has bit me in the ass once again I can’t blame no one but myself.  I’m taking  it take as a lesson.. There’s so much fear brewing up in my mind. I need to be careful of my thoughts because I should know by now that thoughts are powerful.

Recently gone through another lesson of allowing my insecurities taking a turn for the worst. Currently taking my driving lessons, and I’ll admit I’m still a little fearful of being behind the wheel. But I really need to let that shit go.

At my age it shouldn’t be that serious. I have been through many things and driving is something that I have to do. Being afraid is not gonna fly,  last year I was allowed to be afraid because of the challenges I’ve endured with my health.

This is my fucking life and it’s time to take charge. My mind can sometimes go dark and it feels like I can’t get anywhere. I know I am responsible for my happiness, and confidence. Somehow I got lost, but it’s time to get back on track, and find myself  again.

Time to take care of myself and not get distracted on the way. I have lost focus in some ways and I’m not as sharp as I used to be, but it’ll take time to grow out of the haze and get to a place of common sense. So it’s time for me to unlearn negativity and learn positivity.