The Push-back

Things have been getting better in terms of my life doing more. There’s always the thought of not doing enough. I don’t work yet and I’ve been conditioned to think that that is laziness. I’ve been putting out job applications every week for a year. Going to a job fair next week. Dealing with a liver condition is rough sometimes and it makes me feel emotional lazy. But I know that feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help much at all.

Comparing myself to others isn’t going to help either. So I’ll do what I can and not working is killing me because it makes me feel like lazy and not doing enough. Comparison is a dangerous addiction I have. It’s like I look at everyone around me and they are doing a lot. I want to do more without the anxiety getting in the way.

It’s like I want a job and make a living and a life. Independence in every sense of this word is what I crave.  I am the poster child of late blooming but I pushed back again and again. I’m starting to think that all of the challenges I’ve been through are made to inspire others.

Wanting more and getting out of my own way is my long term goal. Knowing not to be hard on myself is also imperative. Even though some of my ducks aren’t all in a row being emotionally fulfilled on my own is what’s important.  I want to be rich in spirit and rich in money.

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