The Push-back

Things have been getting better in terms of my life doing more. There’s always the thought of not doing enough. I don’t work yet and I’ve been conditioned to think that that is laziness. I’ve been putting out job applications every week for a year. Going to a job fair next week. Dealing with a liver condition is rough sometimes and it makes me feel emotional lazy. But I know that feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help much at all.

Comparing myself to others isn’t going to help either. So I’ll do what I can and not working is killing me because it makes me feel like lazy and not doing enough. Comparison is a dangerous addiction I have. It’s like I look at everyone around me and they are doing a lot. I want to do more without the anxiety getting in the way.

It’s like I want a job and make a living and a life. Independence in every sense of this word is what I crave.  I am the poster child of late blooming but I pushed back again and again. I’m starting to think that all of the challenges I’ve been through are made to inspire others.

Wanting more and getting out of my own way is my long term goal. Knowing not to be hard on myself is also imperative. Even though some of my ducks aren’t all in a row being emotionally fulfilled on my own is what’s important.  I want to be rich in spirit and rich in money.

Focus and Balance

FOCUS

 Things are starting to get back in alignment. Although to be honest with myself I still think about him a lot and wonder what he’s doing. But one of the things I am trying to get myself to understand is I have to stop wondering and checking on him because he doesn’t wonder or care about me any more.  The real question is why even give those thoughts the time and energy. On a lighter note I have been looking for jobs and trying to get out a lot more.

Finally have job prospects opening up. I  got an email yesterday saying I’m qualified for a possible interview. Next Friday I have a job fair that I’m going to so I’m going make sure I have my resume and cover letter looking top notch.

My main focus is becoming more stable, and financially independent. I want to focus on my blessings more and not the current unknown. It’s a long process to endure because I’m addicted to saying what my problems are and they keep happening. Life is really an echo so I’m a strong believer of what you put out you get back.

Balance 

 

I am planning my graduation festivities! I walk the stage on June 3rd so that’s exiting. Learning to live in the moment and take it all in. I worked really hard and did not give up. There were days where I felt like I was going to because of frustration and life changes.

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I am too serious in a lot of ways an old soul and for that matter too old. I do like to be at home a lot but I’m trying to get out more not enough but it’s a lot more than usual if that makes sense. One of my goals is to get out of my timidness and be more aware when I’m out. My anxiety can get the best of me but the biggest accomplishment was when I went to a stand up show in February by myself and saw a comedian I really like. It was on Valentine’s Day weekend definitely and defining moment.

Last weekend was monumental as well. Hung out with friends which is something I rarely do. I need to do more of that and not be so closed off as I’m learning the more closed off I am the more people start to think I don’t care. That’s hardly the case.

I keep to myself and it can be a good thing and a bad thing. It can be a good thing because I’m teaching myself how to enjoy my own company. It’s a bad thing because isolation can be unhealthy. However having a strong emotional support system is a blessing.