Has I am traveling on this journey I realize that losing both of my biological parents can take a toll on my body. For me, when something tragic happens it takes a long time for me to process what is going on. Sometimes, being too strong can put harm on the body. Depression has been my company for years and years and years. I’ve called it the creeper because it comes when it wants to and there’s no denying it’s there.
The depression started when I was probably around 10 and I noticed that I started having these weird feelings about myself. I would be so dependent on how others felt and thought about how I looked and acted. To me this is why I still need to be single, being able to accept everything about myself without feeling guilty.
Grief is no stranger to me and it puts stress on my body and mind. I’m more of a left brained personality and I tend to over analyze everything and every situation. I have a hard time seeing the big picture but there’s always room for improvement. I lost my biological parents. It’s hard especially during the holidays, birthdays, and the anniversaries. I went through a period after my dad passed of over spending, going out, to try and forget. Then I was in denial and I was just in the pain but then I realized he was really gone. I’m still accepting and in the pain even though it’s been almost three years. Then last year my birth mother passed suddenly. Years before then I lost my aunt, grandmother on my dad’s side, my grandfather on my step mother’s side, and my aunt on my step mother’s side, and my uncle.
Now my life is in a standstill because I haven’t been getting out as much I used to, and it’s not healthy at all. I’m losing sleep, and just wallowing in my pity. This is not the same girl I used to know in my early 20’s where I would go out with my friends, had a job, and was trying to find out what college I was getting into.
I know now my journey is find my 20’s and recreate what going out whether it was by myself or with my friends, and the new challenge is transportation. Once I get the transportation under my belt I can go out as much as possible. I will take this a day at a time. Writing is my path I know now, so cheers to that.
A little message to everyone out there is to be kind to everyone you meet, and know that everyone is struggling in their own way.