These few weeks have been getting better. I can say I’m handling it much better than I was a few months ago. April is going to a busy month for me volunteering, auntie duty, and I have a major procedure on the 13th and then traveling to a conference on the 25th!
The support group has helped me through a lot and of course my family. But talking to others who deal with the same issues as you makes things much easier. There were many times where I felt depressed and uncertain of what to do. I tend to be over-dramatic but that’s just me. Writing is something that was encouraged by parents early on and it has gotten me through some unbelievable events. Break-ups. grief, depression, and weight issues.
Inspiring at least one person through means I’ve done my job. I can sometimes be too much when it comes to wanting to be accepted by others. Then I remember that what matters is what I feel about myself. Writing is something that helps me escape from the hustle and bustle of daily routines.
I’m learning to change with the seasons and Spring to me is a chance to start over and to move forward fearlessly. Being around more positive people has definitely changed my perspective on how to handle challenges. Yes I have challenges but doesn’t everybody?
It does take a lot to be optimistic sometimes especially when hearing the doctors through worse case scenarios like oh I’m concerned you’ll get cancer, or get this or that. That was a few months ago and by the pep talks I’ve gotten I’ve learned to tune that out.
Positivity is so important when going through heavy challenges. Although I am dreading the procedure next month I will keep going no matter the roadblocks. This Friday I will be volunteering with pre-k children. So excited!! That brings me so much joy to help children learn.
The grass grows beneath my feet.
The birds fly above me singing songs of
hope and happiness.
spreads like the wings of a butterfly.
My heart beats strong like the drums
from the motherland.
The sun shall rise
and I will feel the warmth of love
The road is long, but my feet will never
The grass will always grow beneath me.
My strength flows like the river.
I am forever strong as the roots and the grass grow beneath me.
Has I am traveling on this journey I realize that losing both of my biological parents can take a toll on my body. For me, when something tragic happens it takes a long time for me to process what is going on. Sometimes, being too strong can put harm on the body. Depression has been my company for years and years and years. I’ve called it the creeper because it comes when it wants to and there’s no denying it’s there.
The depression started when I was probably around 10 and I noticed that I started having these weird feelings about myself. I would be so dependent on how others felt and thought about how I looked and acted. To me this is why I still need to be single, being able to accept everything about myself without feeling guilty.
Grief is no stranger to me and it puts stress on my body and mind. I’m more of a left brained personality and I tend to over analyze everything and every situation. I have a hard time seeing the big picture but there’s always room for improvement. I lost my biological parents. It’s hard especially during the holidays, birthdays, and the anniversaries. I went through a period after my dad passed of over spending, going out, to try and forget. Then I was in denial and I was just in the pain but then I realized he was really gone. I’m still accepting and in the pain even though it’s been almost three years. Then last year my birth mother passed suddenly. Years before then I lost my aunt, grandmother on my dad’s side, my grandfather on my step mother’s side, and my aunt on my step mother’s side, and my uncle.
Now my life is in a standstill because I haven’t been getting out as much I used to, and it’s not healthy at all. I’m losing sleep, and just wallowing in my pity. This is not the same girl I used to know in my early 20’s where I would go out with my friends, had a job, and was trying to find out what college I was getting into.
I know now my journey is find my 20’s and recreate what going out whether it was by myself or with my friends, and the new challenge is transportation. Once I get the transportation under my belt I can go out as much as possible. I will take this a day at a time. Writing is my path I know now, so cheers to that.
A little message to everyone out there is to be kind to everyone you meet, and know that everyone is struggling in their own way.
This week I had another episode I was at least able to take my exam. Not much sleep, but remaining positive. Insomnia is in full effect. I’m dealing with it the best way I can. Hopefully next week I will be able to volunteer, and get out for a bit. It’s just a matter of transportation is all.
Unfortunately, this is another long journey I have to walk down. I was close to meeting someone over the weekend it didn’t work out so I’ve had my fits this week and just allowing myself to let it go. Dating is probably not the best thing for me right now given my situation. I’m not on the right track, losing sleep, can’t afford driving lessons, I am trying to get my health in order, and I’m trying to finish school. To invite someone else into my life would not be ideal.
In general, dating in the digital age is difficult as hell and I’ve been out of the dating game in so long I’m not sure what men are looking for anymore anyway. My confidence has gotten better, but I have to refocus my attention on developing better work and organization habits. I’ll be looking into doing IT work and figure out some way to get around better, maybe use a cab service if needed.
Even though I haven’t had a date in almost four years I do have a little bit of hope but now I’m not about anything. From experience, men love independent women. Women who have their own place, a stable income, and can learn how to have fun on their own. I’m nowhere near on that level. Maybe this time was given to me to develop that part of my life, and then I can attract a man with similar qualities. For now my health, and having a better social life is what’s more important.
Finally, to give myself some credit, I have been doing very well in school I pray and hope that next year will be my final year, and I pray that the financial aid will extend so I can follow through with my classes. Luckily it processed successfully, and hoping that the school will accept it. Another thing I have to work on is taking advantage of working from home. On the days that I feel 100% I need to give it my full attention. On the days I’m not I need to at least write so my day is more productive. Optimism doesn’t come easy for me, but I know the things I go through will make me stronger.