So its been several weeks now since I’ve been dealing with this challenge. I haven’t been getting much sleep, and I feel a little outside of myself. I have not done much of anything because of fatigue and depression. It really sucks! Trying so hard to keep going and still trying to find my purpose. Not quite sure what that is yet.
There is so much work on myself that has to be done before going back to school and my social anxiety is still apparent. As I am writing there’s a pretty cardinal outside my window perched up on the tree branch. I love cardinals because they stand out, and legend has it that if you see a red bird, you make a wish it will come true.
I’m trying to get back on track and I’ve been dealing with insomnia for years, and it’s gotten worse, breaking bad habits at night is hard. I’m on my cell phone when ever I wake up in the middle of the night. I look on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Cutting back on computer time is important for me to cut back on computer time as well. At night I’m on it too long, and that’s not healthy.
Tonight will be the first night to turn my phone off and put it away and cut back my time on the computer and find another way to get some downtime and another goal of mine is to go to bed early and wake up early so I can get work done and enjoy the rest of the day. We shall see how this goes.
So I went to see my nutritionist to get an ion cleanse and I feel so much better! She added more homeopathic methods to my protocol. They have been helping, and the next step is getting better sleep. My joints feel so much better, and my mind is not dark like it was before. My Mom and I found a doctor that specializes in my condition and I go to St. Joseph’s next month to explore other options. Now it’s up to me to change my attitude and outlook on fighting this condition.
There are times when I grow mentally and physically tired but I have time to rest as much as possible, time to write, time to be around family and friends; and time to find out how I can stay energized on a daily basis. Self motivation is something that takes a little while with me especially since I am a late bloomer and always need to know why.
I constantly analyze a lot of the situations I’m in and try to understand it, but this is a big deal of what I’m dealing with now. Getting my mind back on track is a journey, and it’ll be a long road. If I can figure out how to stay on track without going crazy then I’m in it for the long haul. Finding inner peace will be my greatest reward.
So it’s been several weeks since dealing with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis. I’ve been out a couple of weekends, and it’s been nice to escape. The symptoms have been more frequent and it’s so damn hard. Some chronic illnesses are viewed as invisible and it really irks me that people don’t understand that type of pain. I’ve had a lot of flare ups lately, and it’s not fun.
I still can’t get over the fact that I had to drop my intern, and I don’t do too much anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I only eat twice a day because it hurts to be full. So I have a small breakfast, and a smoothie for lunch and then dinner. My stomach keeps me up all night, and I feel out of it during the day. It’s like I’m in a constant haze and never know what it feels like to be truly aware.
It’s about to get a little gross, and I’ve been coughing of phlegm and it’s been mucous city over here. No fun at all and it sucks so bad. Then when I wake up in the morning I have this soreness in my stomach, and I can’t tell if it’s gas pain or what. All I know is that it fucking hurts!
Then there’s the depression and my mind grows tired easily, and I can get anxious rather quickly. Like today I found out I won’t be getting any refund back from my school because I dropped a class, and had to pay a fee. Luckily I’m blessed to have a work from home job, family, and friends who support me. It just gets so hard, and sometimes I drift into the dark corners in my mind. Me being the geek that I am I use Star Wars as an analogy to help me get through it.
Final thoughts: PSC is horrible and awful and I wish there was a quick fix to get rid of this pain. I was able to get an earlier doctor appointment, and its next week and hopefully they can pinpoint exactly what’s going on. I really hope that I can get some answers.